The Least Proud My Parents Ever Were

Though I go to the gym about 5 times a week less than I should, I still consider myself to be a pretty athletic guy

I had my growth spurt the summer between my senior year of high school and my freshman year of college. Ya see, now I'm close to 6'2 and 180lbs. Man, I could have used *some* of this while I was playing little league baseball. Ya see, I was the smallest, shortest, thinnest, and most useless child-athlete you could ever imagine. There was one other thingI was severely ADD.

It took me a few years to realize that deep right field, and short-centerfield, were not, in fact, real positions. In retrospect, I should have known that I was a disposable player because 9 year-olds cant hit the ball to deep right field nor could I recall my favorite Yankee Short-Centerfielder.

Now while the coaches would send out signs to us in the fieldyou got the shift signwhich tells the outfielders to move in relation to who is batting, which starts with the wave overthat leads into the crazy person wave over (coach's arms are flaling)that leads to the addressing each outfielder by name.(Jason! Timothy! Curtis! Moooove OOOOVVVEEER!) Am I shifting? No. Why? A few reason. First of all, there is another right fielder in front of me who actually made the shift. Secondly, I can not shift because I am currently *sitting* with my back facing home plate performing a concert on my grass trumpet, while having a life chat with my imaginary older brother, Eric and our pet twin dandelions, Peter and Bald Peter. My parents were proud.

Hitting was a little trickier. I mastered a technique that could only be called the running-out-of-the-batters-box-as-soon-as-the-pitch-comes. Its really a matter of probability. I mean each pitch has a 50/50 chance of being a strike or a ball. So I definitely got some walksstruck out a lot, too and suprisingly got a hit here and there. Bottom lineI wasnt that good.

Let me tell you though...man, if I could go back as me right now, I would be AMAZING! I could crush the ball off of some stupid idiot 10 year old whos fastball tops out around 40 MPH. I would run the bases and start tossing the infielders around, mainly because they come up to my hip and I weigh 100 lbs more than them

They. Would. Know exactly how fairly athletic I turned out!

With all that said. And the sometimes-impressive knowledge I posses both physically and mentally there is still one thing that I have trouble with. Lets break down my pitch as a right handed pitcher. You see in slow motion I look like Roger Clemens throwing a 98 MPH fastball down Broadway. I know the mechanics, I know the motion. Yet how come, when I turn around and do it all left handedsame mechanics, same motionI look like I should be wearing a sundress and sipping on a mimosa? Some things I'll never understand.

Still, my parents are proud...mainly because Eric became a doctor.